My self-summary

My smile can light up a room; which is exactly why I reserve it for porterhouse steaks & polishing my strong axe.  You read that right.  I’m dangerous.

Every morning I weave my overgrown chest hair into designer v necks which are soft to the touch but strong enough to restrain my chiseled passion from the public.  If you are ever chilled I will not hesitate to grow you a warm varsity jacket.

My perfect date night:  I pick you up on my majestic moose, Candice.  The candles I’ve lit on her antlers make you tremble with romance.  The peppermint oil I caked on her hooves beforehand whisk through the air.  You ask, “Isn’t this safe?” and I respond, quickly, “Yes – but we only live once.  Well, at least once per round.” You smile. I smile. You become blind for a moment. Blinded by looks. Blinded for life. Blinded by love. Your beautiful, turquoise scarred corneas say all there is to say.

We arrive at my favorite cantina, a “beautiful mystery” as the locals call it.  Or, we trot on Candice to the abandoned Hills Department Store and rest on the discarded plastic yard furniture, soaking up the nightly rays of Mani while drinking 2 liters of my home-made brussel sprout moonshine. Soon after, you’re calling me your moose papi.

What I’m doing with my life

I have 15,000 points on my gas card and I’m not afraid to save them!  As a frugal, modern man, I make my dollars stretch like I stretch my hamstrings, even if it means pocket change flavored soup for dinner and potato sacks for pantaloons.  (Nobody wants to deal with armor-induced heat rash, trust me.).

I’m really good at

Making my own currency for the thriving salted-fish-bits cereal club I joined on meetups.com.  I have a mediocre sense of humor but a thirst for humorous friends.  I have a borrowed mannequin named Barney, and I’ve been dressing him in exquisite outfits for ages.

Stay majestic, ladies.

My self-summary

One of my most pleasant feelings, the one that gives me a visceral, systemic, overwhelming response, is running my Dyson vacuum over spilled jelly beans – I just love it.  I went to school to become a dinosaur, but, yanno.

My Perfect Date Night: I am a ladies man through and through – which is why my mother will be chaperoning our social encounter. There is nothing wrong with this as she enjoys a good mead like the rest of us. Once she has picked out where we all are to go, I’ll arrive at your hut via an Uber driven by my second cousin who drives a Bronco. From there it’s a night of enchantment and mischief the likes of which would make Loki blush. Dinner, movie, and pillaging the financially destitute for Pepsi points – daddy needs a new cd holder!

What I’m doing with my life

I just want to get this out there.  I was in beauty pageant as a young boy and wore a women’s one piece at the public pool until age 6.  My mom forced me into it, she wanted a girl.  LOOK AT ME NOW MOM!  All.  Steel.  Man.

I’m really good at

Digimon, Parcheesi, Chinese Checkers and stacking coupons.  Prefer to go shopping with my main man Leif.

I actually wrote the first draft of Catcher in the Rye, but sold it to seal my position as Yu Gi Oh! card champion.  I have never regretted my decision and the ladies love to gander at my blue eyes white dragon.

My self-summary

I do stunt work.  I met my agent on craigslist, but, she’s totally legit!  I’m most known for a hamburger meat commercial as “Patty Flipper Number 3”.  My favorite hair product is mousse, and I really enjoy a good Mr. Stripey tomato. Not looking to be a Lonely Viking, so trust is a big focus. Focus is also a big focus, as one of my eyes is glass (long story.)

What I’m doing with my life

I play Pokemon and collect soup cans that are repurposed into aesthetically pleasing robot arms.  Can you imagine the feeling of finishing every event in your life with a running batch of 200+ metal high fives?  Every phone call, every meal, and every small victory is celebrated as it should be at my place.  I own a 3D printer 3D printing business. It all started when I accidentally 3d printed another 3d printer that was programmed to 3d print more 3d printers.

I’m really good at

I have my own hobbyist Etsy shop of handmade scents for the modern Viking.  My secret sauce?  Residue from canned oyster oil & expired Noxzema.  I make my own male birth control, and have distilled what the hokey pokey is really all about: the carnal application of foot powder.

My self-summary

I breed catfish that aren’t yet recognized by any marine biologists with a whisker count over 9000.  Some say I’m tall dark and handsome, despite being 4’11”.  It’s not the size that matters; it’s the weird in your beard.

What I’m doing with my life

I operate a popular Twitch channel on which I crochet doilies from my goat’s fur in four incredibly popular patterns: Heritage Hoof, Royal Dung Medallion, Grass Stained Lace & High Fashion Chowder.  The channel has over 4,650 subscribers including most of your family tree.  I have an herb garden where my couch used to be and a couch where my heart used to be.  I miss you, Bonzai Buddy!

I’m really good at

Building toothpick re-enactments of the Battle of Red Cliff, steaming vegetables with my breath and following the golden rule:  don’t kiss and smell.  I have incredibly hygiene.  I once single-handedly and successfully domesticated a sewer full of rats, which I still visit and clothe with tiny felt vests and lederhosen.